so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
