new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
