I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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