I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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