I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
