everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
