Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
