I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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