a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
