So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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