I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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