My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
