had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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