So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
