Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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