If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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