it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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