Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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