census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
