I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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