Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
