we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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