i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
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ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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