did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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