shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
