I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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