Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
