i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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