I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
