My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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