i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
