I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
