He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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