The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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