You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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