halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
