I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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