I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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