my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Randomize
