got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
