i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
