The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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