my soul wont recognize me after tonight
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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