The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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