I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
