i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
