He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
