I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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