Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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