I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
