It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
