then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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