Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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