I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
