I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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