i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
