It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
