Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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